Friday, January 27, 2006


"Imposter" Alert!

We all know that in this age of "global terror" a person has to be extra vigilant. Al-Qaeda has threatened attacks in Canada, but none have happened "yet". Recently there have been reports of illegal aliens of Middle Eastern descent using fake ID trying to pass themselves off as "Real Canadians". There "are" true Canadians of Middle Eastern extraction in Canada, but they are loyal and patriotic to this country, and are hard-working and law-abiding, and would never be involved in subversion or destruction. Therefore, law enforcement agencies in Canada would like the Public's help. They have come up with a "verbal statement" that will "entrap" any "false" Canadian, and if you suspect an impostor, verbally make the following statement to him/her, and note the person's reaction.

"Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my ski-doo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he's all chippy and everything, calling me a "shit disturber" and what not. What could I say, except, "Sorry, EH!"

If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us. If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once. The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19 different "Canadianisms".

Here they are in order:

* pogey: EI (Employment Insurance). Money provided by the government for not working.

* mickey: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey, on the other hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of booze, which, despite the name, is still a Canadianism through and through.)

* C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye whisky. Not to be confused with "hockey stick," another kind of Canadian Club.

* beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for Canadians.

* skidoo: Self-propelled decapitation unit for teenagers, (Snow-Mobiles)

* muskeg: Boggy swampland.

* duplex: A single building divided in half with two sets of inhabitants, each trying to pretend the other doesn't exist while at the same time managing to drive each other crazy; metaphor for Canada's French and English populations.

* deke: Used as a verb, it means "to fool an opponent through skillful misdirection." As a noun, it is used most often in exclamatory constructions, such as: "Whadda deke!" Meaning, "My, what an impressive display of physical dexterity employing misdirection and guile."

* chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the Rockies and onto the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary but just missing Edmonton, much to the pleasure of Calgarians.

* Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of heart. Always get their man! (See also Pepper spray, uses of.)

* snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky manner; non-restrictive extended semi gerundial form of "did sneak." (We think.)

* ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily identifiable by its inconspicuousness.

* impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun and as an adjective (the alternative adjectival form of "impaired" being "pissed to the gills").

* S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament.

* Stanfields: Men's underwear, especially Grandpa-style, white cotton ones with a big elastic waistband and a large superfluous flap in the front and back!

* toque: Canada's official National Head Apparel, with about the same suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields.

* chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive; constantly looking for a reason to find offense; from "chip on one's shoulder." (See Western Canada)

* shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or provocateur. According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary, "shit disturber" is a distinctly Canadian term. (Just remember that Western Canada is chippy and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you will do fine.)

So, you see, any "Real Canadian" already knows these terms, and will understand what you mean. If there is still a slight "tinge" of doubt about the possible impostor, then give them the "Chilly Beach Quiz", then you will know for sure. If he doesn't get at least 7 out of 10, he isn't a "Real, Genetically-Violent, Hockey-Mad, Beer-Swilling, Patriotic Canadian"!

TAKE THE QUIZ! (not for the squeamish! "Blood and Guts Warning!")

Quiz -
Chilly Beach Canadian Trivia

Thanks to my good buddy;

Wayne Letkeman
Thunderbird Lodge & Outposts
General Manager

P.O. Box 129
Lac du Bonnet, Manitoba

Ph. 1-204-345-0188
Toll 1-800-732-2801
Fax 1-204-345-0189

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